Cinda - Cancer My Story

In order for anyone to treat a person right, you have to treat yourself right first. To have cancer is not a death sentence, and I decided that I am not going to let it rule my life. Should it return, I am definitely not going to let it define me, I will be sad and disappointed, just until I get my mojo in line with creation like now. To be worrying about, will it return every day is also not on my priority list for the future.

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How do you describe the feeling that you get when you just had a brush with death, a car missing you by inches, a snake missed by one big leap. Well you heart jumps, and your adrenalin is rushing, that’s not even close to the feeling of a phone call, Mrs De Klerk, its doctor so and so, I am sorry to inform you that you have highly infiltrating stage 3 breast cancer, and it is serious. The next call is from your gp wanting to know if the specialist called you and if it’s ok to describe an anxiety medicine. At that moment the only thing you can think about is your family, its decision time, fall apart or be strong.

With news like this you whole world get turned upside down, and you get frightened, will you die, will you get very sick, is your hair going to fall out, are you going to lose weight and be in hospital what about my income, all these things run through your head while waiting for your appointment at the oncologist. While the few days feels like years until your appointment, you start focussing on life, and how you wasted time on things that do not really matter.

On my first visit to oncology, the doctor said they will have to remove my breasts, and I said no, after many years of joking I want to get my breasts done, well it’s not the same, now my chances of losing my breasts is 50/50. So I started with chemo, every third Monday for three months, I felt sick but not like you see on tv and as you see when you Google on how sick people get. After that I got another three months of chemo, at first, again every third Monday, but the dosage was to strong, they reduced the dosage and I had to go every Monday for three months. With this chemo my hands and feet burned, I also lost my nails.

Before chemo started I decided my long beautiful hair must go, before they fall out, and upset my kids and husband even more. So my hair was cut short boys cut, even though I wanted to shave everything off, Wednesday after my first chemo my hair started to fall out, and I was feeling like crap, wondering what next. I sat by myself for a long time, and just thought about everything, I decided to take control, firstly, my hair has to be shaved off, what a powerful feeling that was, almost like I have already won.

The time span during chemo memories is vague, a part from sleeping every day, the whole day, and when I am awake thinking when will this end. I couldn’t stand the helplessness feeling that I couldn’t even get up for my kids in the morning. Many times I will cry my eyes red in the bathtub, and give the soap the blame, as I didn’t want to upset my family. I will be keeping myself strong and making jokes about my situation, keeping the spirits up.

Time came for the lumpectomy, and it was supposed to be in and out and everything will be fine, well mine wasn’t, as all the cancer couldn’t be removed. They wanted to operate again and I said no, rather put both off and get it over with, I have a life to return to, and can’t be in and out of operations until everything was out and I didn’t have a breast left. The decision was accepted and I went to see the plastic surgeon, all was set, and I went in for a bilateral mastectomy, on the day all was still fine until the nurses came to fetch me for theatre, I broke down completely, now it was real, it’s going to happen now, no turning back. I was 45min late for my theatre appointment, but then the plastic surgeon himself came to fetch me. I was so heartbroken and sad, to think these boobs fed my kids, for 39 years they were a part of me, it sounds stupid, but it hits you very hard. Even when I had my hysterectomy a few years back, I felt like I wasn’t a proper woman anymore, and now the feeling was much worse. Then I went to sleep and woke up breast less, this is maybe the most worst feeling anyone can go through, to lose part of yourself, something that have defined you as a woman.

With all this told, and reading it now, it looks like I have fallen apart in this journey, this is only thoughts I share with you as I kept it to myself, and showed my family a strong woman, going on with my daily tasks, being there for my children and my husband. My family and friends are my biggest support system, understanding when I am not well, being there, and understanding that I need my own time too.

This is surely the most lonesome journey someone can go through, as I didn’t hear about problems at school, it was sorted, I didn’t hear about hubby’s problems at work, actually everybody kept so much from me, knowing how I am, wanting to sort out a problem NOW! And sometimes losing it a bit, also in this time I have realised even though they kept things from me, they also grew, knowing how to handle situations where mommy will usually get involved in, and almost ending up in a nice orange jumpsuit, or sorting out a minor problem will be solved without my help, so I have realised that it’s just easier for everyone to come to me and I will handle everything, no more, I am not at school, I don’t know what happened, I am not at hubby’s work, I don’t know what goes on, if I am not directly involved, sort it yourself. Back and forth jiggering of family didn’t reach my ears in this time, and I see now that I have spent too much valuable time sorting others and worrying over others. I don’t say stop caring, but I taught myself to have a healthy balance between a crisis and a situation where you can make yourself sick by worrying over stuff that was not your problem to start with.

I try to take control of my life, but still being in the reconstruction part of my journey, I still feel like I am at the mercy and schedule of doctors and hospitals, I felt so helpless the past two years, having to let go of everything I know and do, following doctor’s orders, being on someone else’s schedule, it’s so frustrating, sometimes you feel fine, and want to do things you normally will do, but can’t, or you get an energy rush, and want to start something and then realise it’s not wise, as next week you will be in hospital again and again disappear from what you were doing. I am a singer and to disappear for this ling out of the industry is as good as starting over, and finding your feet for the first time. You see everyone go on as usual; shows, and gatherings, events, and you are not included. I have never felt so excluded in my life.

But, I am in my reconstruction phase now, also thought it will be wham bam and then we are finished, but it’s a long road with weekly fills to each breast, the first 4 fillings I was still feeling hopeless, but now I am hopeful as my breasts is starting to look like breasts again, if everything goes well, I will have my last procedure January 2020. Still feeling like a car standing at the starting point of a drag race waiting for the opponent, I still have to wait before I can go in again 100%. Meanwhile I keep myself busy and getting all my plans in order, while enjoying life, not taking everything so serious anymore. We tend to worry and stress about things we cannot change, what is the worst that can happen? If I do not attend a school meeting or a municipal gathering are they going to hang me? If I don’t wash my hair today or don’t sweep the bathroom floor what will happen, really? If someone want something so badly done or sorted, let them, don’t let anyone take your energy, your brain capacity and your peace, I have a saying, my time is not your time, if you don’t like my time, feel free to do it yourself. My time has arrived, and I am the most important person for myself. It sounds selfish, but if you think about it, who will look after you if you didn’t have the people around you that you do, what if everyone should disappear right now and you were alone, who will take care of you, you will, and that is the most important thing and I feel a duty as a caregiver of children or family, that you have to teach them to be kind to themselves. In order for anyone to treat a person right, you have to treat yourself right first. To have cancer is not a death sentence, and I decided that I am not going to let it rule my life. Should it return, I am definitely not going to let it define me, I will be sad and disappointed, just until I get my mojo in line with creation like now. To be worrying about, will it return every day is also not on my priority list for the future.