(Story of my life song by One Direction)
                               “Written in these walls are the stories that I can't explain
                            I leave my heart open but it stays right here empty for days ...”
                            The hardest and most endearing story that I wanted to write.
                                            Please take this journey with me.

                                                        (Adapted lyrics)
                                        “The story of my life, I take him home
                                   I drive all night to keep him warm and time
                                  Is frozen (the story of, the story of, the story of)
                                           The story of my life, I give him hope
                                          I spend my love until I’m broke inside
                                     The story of my life (the story of, the story of)

         Time froze for 7 years. After my son passed away after an 8-year cancer battle

                                             - a battle he fought bravely.

In this frozen time, I buried myself in long hours of work where I didn’t have to think of anything except to focus under stress, working against time.  Which is very ironic. Imagine being in a broken clock and the clock is standing dead still and running at three times its normal speed. I got better and better at what I did. I climbed barriers that are impossible for others. In a sense, I did this to honor my son to become the best I can be.
I compensated at ‘failing’ as a mother with becoming this machine.

On one side this was true but...

The stress crept up slowly and I used alcohol to reward myself after a hard day's work - normal behavior - so I thought.  Until it became so normal that it changed whom I was.

After one terrible night of indescribable behavior, I woke up still drunk but with the decision - this must change. This strong and fierce woman inside me said “Enough!” And I thank God for this truly wonderful awakening. I have myself, two children and a wonderful man in my life to be Awesome for.

I was present but absent at the same time.  I needed to start feeling again I was done with the numbness that the whiskey provided.  After 2 weeks of therapy and thankfully only one night of anxiety and wanting to have a drink. My drinking days were gone.

I was scared because this was too easy. Nothing in my life before were this easy. So I remembered the following ... I questioned and begged God several times “Please God why can’t I just have a normal life?!” This is what He gave me. Nothing in life is difficult - if it is difficult you are doing something wrong. Find an easy way don’t overthink and don’t overdo.

                                        Just live, have fun and be happy.

                                ‘A boat doesn’t sink because of the water around it
                              It sinks because of the water that comes inside the boat’
                      Life is like a falling plane the difference is how you choose to survive.
                              Start caring for yourself first, put your oxygen on first

                               before you try to help others on this crashing plane.
 

It has been a year and a half since 15th of March 2018 that I had my last binge drinking.  I still work under high stress but I can cope with it now, only me not me and the alcohol anymore.

I encourage you to be the best you can be. No matter what the challenge, heartbreak or trauma you’ve been through. You can be better today than you’ve been yesterday. Even if you fail today keep telling yourself tomorrow will be better than today and repeat and repeat until you get it right.

  Anonymous N - Stay positive.